This was the opening to my last profile on an Australian on-line dating service called RSVP. Of course, they rejected it. But then these clowns rejected all but 1 profile change I ever made. An automated system picks up key words. Even if you've deleted the offending key word previously or it's further in than 1200 characters which is as many as you actually get. I complain. 3 or 4 days later they respond and reinstate it. Telling me that the word "Sucks" as in "Sport Sucks" is an illegal word. And that if I want my profile to show up it will take the price of one stamp. That's an RSVP stamp which you have to buy from them. But I'll get to that. RSVP is just awful in my humble opinion. And these on-line dating scams don't get much better.
         One way or another, these on-line dating or matchmaking services are indeed a scam. Which is really sad for me because I'm a disabled asshole who is rarely in a position to meet intelligent women. Or any women for that matter. And it gets really cold and lonely here sometimes.
         I had no intention of falling for the trap but I take a lot of pain killers in the winter time because of my disability, and one night I was feeling a bit lonely and down and, well, there it was. "RSVP" on a banner at an auction site. Auction sites are a whole other addiction. But the promise of finding the love of my life, and finding her quickly, was too much for this drugged out brain to resist. So this was the start of my odyssey. An odyssey from loneliness to humiliation. Followed by more loneliness and back to the suicidal depression I've come to enjoy. As Foghorn Leghorn once said. "I've got these bandages to keep me warm."
         I'm still looking for a soul mate by the way if anyone's stupid enough to be interested in me. But I figure that at best, I'd be way too much of a challenge to love. But a profile I wrote can be read here.
         In the mean time here's the bottom line on how these dating scams work. Apart from any other leanings a given site may have, there are only two basic types of on-line dating service. The Stamp site and the pay-up-front site. A stamp site allows you to join for free. The catch is that if you do find a potential new best friend, you need a stamp before you can send him/her a message. Usually stamps come in books. In the case of RSVP you get 6 stamps for 35 Australian dollars. That's $5.83 every time you want to send an email to someone. Most porn sites don't charge that much and at least you can come away with the illusion of a good time.
         The other kind of site requires that you have to pay a flat fee for membership and this gives you the right to annoy as many suckers as you like. Or at least until the complaints mount up I guess. Sites such as matchmaker.com.au give you 10 days free trial but you don't quite get access to everything. Enough to realize the major flaw in both types of system though. With a pay up-front site, it's more economical than a stamp site by a long shot, but the down side is that because you have to pay up front, there are far less members. And far fewer new members every week. I counted a total of 3 new female members in 7 days. The stamps sites may be outrageously expensive but at least there is the illusion that Mr. or Ms Right is going to walk through the door any minute. With matchmaker I got the distinct feeling I was the lame rooster in a neglected hen house. But at least they didn't kill my profile all the time.
         Most sites use ringers in one form or another. A ringer is some non-genuine potential love that may help to lure you in. There are two sub categories of the two main types. There are the high-class personal attention sites, -which seem to be mainly for executives who can afford to shell a shit-load to find a love slave that won't embarrass them at corporate functions.- and there are the bonking sites. The Bonking sites are the most proficient and rudimentary users of the ringer and some of them over do it to the extreme.
         I was on an American stamp-bonking site where at least 1 in 3 females listed were 18 year old bi-sexual girls looking for older men and wondering if they could bring their girlfriends along. Bit of a giveaway hu? I suspect that what ever market research they did suggested that their most paying clients would be men in their 30s - 50s looking for sex with younger women and probably in the plural. What red blooded man over the age of 30 could resist an 18 year old bi-sexual girl and her lesbian lover to screw? So they unashamedly inserted a number of profiles to get the blood pumping and the cash flowing. It was more than a bit obvious when these profiles still showed up in searches for women over the age of 50.
         It has to be realized that Male users outweigh females by at least 3 to 1. And of the females, most are at the loser end of the spectrum. If you're a loser yourself like me, you don't stand a chance statistically speaking. Women always have the upper hand. As Marc Perkel <http://www.perkel.com/> says. On an evolutionary scale, women get to chose the genetics they combine with while men simply want to spread the seed as far and wide as they can. If you're a male and aren't the best seed in the bag, you don't stand a chance.
         Whilst the strategy of the bonking site above isn't very sophisticated and would only fool about 50% of the males out there -ready for action with one hand on their dick and the other on their credit card.- most sites range in sophistication. Stamp sites will typically wait till you've been a member for about a month and haven't bought any stamps. At which time they'll probably invent a reason for you to want to. The girl of your dreams will suddenly join and mysteriously make a bee-line to your profile. They'll send you what RSVP call "A Kiss". This is the dating-site equivalent to a "ping". You get an email telling you that Ms Jenny Bigboobs (Not her real name of course) has sent you "A KISS" and this means she's really interested in you and if you want to go talk to her, you'd better buy up big on stamps or you'll miss out. But much to your surprise, she isn't at all like minded because the staff that created Ms Bigboobs misjudged your profile. But it doesn't matter because you've already parted with a wad of cash and blown some of it on a fruitless attempt to stir the imagination of a fictional character.
         An up-front-fee site might be a little more subtile. Another level of sophistication up. They won't need to invent a character because the staff have invented a range in advance. They'll see your profile, decide that you need pumping up and send in the puppet. It's all on-line so who's going to know? They'll do this before your 10 day trial is up to try and make you feel like you might really find true love here. But again they miss-read your profile and catch themselves out. In the porn industry they have people called "fluffers". These are generally women who have the knack of being able to work a man (or woman) up to a sexual frenzy even after he's blown his load six times in the past hour and has a hangover. But sending a god-botherer in to fluff an atheist would be like trying to get Jerry Falwell aroused by dressing a goat in lingerie. No wait! That just might work. Well you know what I mean.
         If you are Mr Averageman or Ms Ordinary, these things might work for you. Providing you can slither your way through the obstacles blinding your decision making processes. But if you deviate even slightly from the norm then you will have an increasingly pointless time. And by "the norm", I don't mean that you have a strictly heterosexual preference. On these sites, even gays and lesbians are stereotypes. Demographics to be catered for in order to part them from their money. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you can't automatically be a fool like the rest of us.
         If you're disabled, looking for intelligence or in any way know what you want, you're screwed. They can't help you. They'll pretend to and even make you believe it if they can but they just don't understand anything outside of normal. If you were disabled and joined a dating service specifically for disabled people, you're automatically pigeonholed. It's bad enough feeling like a social leper without wearing a neon sign saying "Warning Retard approaching." I don't mean that in a derogatory sense in anyway. We "abnormals" often have far more redeeming and sociable attributes than do "normals" but all they ever see is "Retard". If you are going to wear that sign, wear it proudly! I personally don't have megabux to spend on a high-class dating service and even if I did, it'd be like going to heaven. IE: No-one I'd want to associate with would be there.
         In a last ditch attempt, for now at least, I've been looking at the USENET news groups. aus.personals. Now anyone who knows USENET knows what a posturing bunch of subhuman scum hang out there. And whilst I rather like scum personally, a lot of these people, mainly males, are constantly trying to prove what big men they are at the expense of others. Even if most of them are only 12 years old and only tried USENET for the porn in the first place.
         There was some guy on there who wanted to experience a father/son relationship but with a young consenting adult. A bit weird I admit but straight people have their strange fantasies too. And it wasn't like he was asking to have sex with any of the above 12 year olds. Still a couple of them jumped on this bastard and started verbally "Poofter-bashing" him. And of course then someone else jumped in and began defending the original poster. And between that and other similar posts, the whole news group seemed to be flooded with flames and really pointless threads. Funny that I never saw the original poster buy into any of this. One poor sod thought it might be a good idea to make a joke of it to lighten things up a bit and so they all jumped on him then. For being off topic no less. In between a couple a hundred posts there might have been 15 real personals. and 10 of them were guys looking for prostitutes when they visited Brisbane in the next week.
         I'm yet to try a post there but I've given up the thought that I might find someone remotely compatible via this route and may as well reacquaint my passions with my right hand. At least I don't have to send it valentines or birthday cards. What do you buy for the hand that has everything anyway?
         Part of my disability is that I have virtually no voice. I can barely speak let alone sing anymore. Sometimes I can't even do that. So if I can't find love, I'd settle for a younger "Pliable" female vocalist who could be my voice. Someone who looks good enough to be in your average sexist video clip. Someone who at least gives me a reason to start making music again. Maybe start a girl band? Well you don't even have to be a girl I suppose. Just as long as you look like one. Amazing what you can do with special effects these days. Not many people know this but N'SYNC are actually a group of aging, black, female motown session singers. They whited up and dressed like men and no-one's worked it out yet.
         So if you're female, can sing, look reasonable in a video and don't mind being the voice of a loser like me, then let me know. And in the mean time, I'll continue my quest for love. Just as soon as I get a clue of how.

Be absolutely Icebox

According to a recent article in the register the professional engineers' association of Canada have had it up to here with M$CEs calling themselves "engineers".

I have long noted this. Not just about MSCEs but the so called qualification of "Sound Engineer" This was dreampt up by a bunch of Adelaide guys back in the 70s. They had a lame-assed studio in some cheap-assed office suit in the CBD here. They were offering courses in "Sound mixing" and "Electronic music." But upon talking to them I realized it was all a bit flakey. The originators are still going strong. They're now called SAE (School of Audio Engineering.) and they have franchises all over the world. Including Hollywood where I belive Thomas Dolby runs one. Or something similar. But the idea started right here.

The basic premise was that these guys had a bit of a studio that wasn't making much money and as the old saying goes. "If you can't do it, teach it." They had a bit of a Roland 700M series synth as well so they thought they'd teach EM as well.

One of my ex band members went through their course. Everyone I've ever known, or worse, 'worked with' who went though that thing, has had to be re-trained. Including the ex band member. The lure for these people is that it's cheap studio time. The training aspect is usually second. But the reality is that it works out that you could buy your own gear for what it costs to do a year's part time study with these guys.

As with MSCE, the only reason the qualification is recognized is that parts of the industry have agreed or been badgered into recognizing it. The qualification as "Engineer" does not exist. The best so called "Audio Engineers" are those who have a knack for it in the first place. You can't teach a person to have golden ears. It is experience and the motivation of the person that creates that. (I'm reluctant to say you're born with it but it's tantamount to the same thing.)

If these people are computing or audio engineers then I'm a renown astro-physicist. Hey! I draw pictures of spaceships. Count me in.

I have several horror stories about people emerging as qualified "Audio Engineers" from these places but the one that summs it up was the guy who hooked a PA up using speaker wire to the power amp and balanced shielded to the speakers. Everything worked just fine until the lighting rig came on-line. And he was so incompetent he tried to do the whole gig like that. You wouldn't belive the damage that resulted. Not to mention that the audience dwindled to about 3 people by the end of the gig. No-one, including me, could stand to be inside the hall. But I was only a roadie so what would I know?

You see, they teach you all the cool stuff but neglect to mention the fundamentals. So you might be just fine at a gig working the board but given the job of putting the system together and getting it working, you probably don't have enough of a grasp of the basic physics to even know that you're doing it all ass-up.

Mind you I remember a gig we once did where the "Audio Engineer" took it upon himself to re-tune the PA before we went on. He was rushing round trying to stop the feedback after that. We were a 5 piece and had 3 singers. Who in some songs would alternate various lines. The trouble was that the guy couldn't keep all three vocal mikes open at the same time without them feeding back. And since he didn't know who was going to sing next, invariably the singer looked like an idiot trying to sing into a dead Mic. At one stage the drummer sang into one of the cymbal mics.

We were not the headline act and I think the band that came on after us took the guy out back for a few words. They were late going on because they had to re-configure the entire system before they could play. It only took them 15 minutes because their engineer had a clue but the audience were getting pissed. They were not happy and I suggest to anyone who's not experienced, to never mess with the PA if it belongs to a band who's members consist of a few card carrying hells angles.

So too is the MSCE qualification. It's a cheap, quick way to get yourself into the computing business. It even sounds impressive. If you're a customer who knows nothing about computing. But what's the point of a microsoft qualification where, what you learn today will be obsolete tomorrow? And like the guy above, you could find yourself in deep doggy doo doos faster than you can say "Why did my customer's networking just go down?"

As my computer scientist friend Ben often says, M$ is a moving target. You will always be chasing them as they change their mind on everything from networking to the file system. And what they will and will not support upon every new OS release. To me it seems that the MSCE qualification is simply just another way for M$ to lock people into their products. By qualifying people who only know about M$ products, it lessens the chance that they will want to understand computing in general. And therefore never stray from the path. Lest they discover that there are more than a few alternatives.

In recent times I have had to deal with a few MSCE people regarding some networking problems. But as qualified as they may be, it still came down to a complete re-install because even they have no clue as to what got broken. And as Ben says, when it comes to Microsoft networking, the mantra is "Re-install Re-install Re-install."

And this is a complete bugger because then you lose your configuration. Problems that you had solved and settled now start to reappear and by the time you get them resolved again, something else breaks and you're back to square one again. And in the mean time you've completely lost track of whatever it was you were working on. The thread is gone and productivity goes out the 'windows'.

M$ talk about TCO. (Total Cost of Ownership) but they never include the distraction and downtime costs. The cost of lost data. The cost of worrying if you'll get the project completed before the next time windows breaks. And with each new version and it's subsequent leap in complexity, the likelihood of it breaking increases by an order of magnitude. Especially now that M$ have included coding to specifically break the system if it suspects anything is a-miss. DRM and so fourth. The risk that one of their OSes may decided that my data contravenes some DRM issue and locks me out of it is too great and it is therefore a place I'm not prepared to go.

I don't know about anyone else in the world but in my case, M$ have shot themselves in their own corporate foot. I have no choice but to use Linux. To use anything past BOSH98 (Bastard Operating System from Hell) is too much of a risk. And what can their future OSes offer me that their current ones don't?

We can do video. We can play music. We can make music and we can communicate on the net. We can do all the things an information tool can, (At least I can't see anything else I need.) and all we need is for it to be faster. And with each new level of bloat, an M$ OS only gets slower. And I'm sick of chasing that moving target anyway. I don't play games. I don't even watch much Television. I have this 'life thing' which keeps getting in the way and preventing me having quality time with someone else's advertising revenue. Why would I want to watch the results of someone else having fun when I can have the real thing? Ok so it's a sorry-assed, sad-fuck of a disabled life style but at least I can think beyond chasing a hedgehog round the screen. And I don't have time to continually second guess Microsoft.

But to sum up. If MSCEs are REAL engineers then you and I can chose whatever qualification we like. My good friend Dr Oscar is already fighting it out for the post of "God" with Aleister Crowley so 'Jesus Christ' would do for me I guess. After all, I was advised recently that I am his direct decedent. Which kinda explains the persecution thing I guess. And I always wondered why I had this kind of compulsion to constantly file my nails.

Sorry I just Murdered your God. But it was in self defence I swear.

Those who know me well should understand that this is somewhat metaphoric. I've never been much of a god-botherer but the destruction he causes through his mindless worshipers is all around me. All around you and all around the world. So I killed him for you. You can thank me later. The Murder weapon was a kife of pure logic. Logic worthy of a Douglas Adams novel.

Actually to be honest I'm not sure if I killed God or just rendered him/her impotent but I really fucked the devil up bad and that was the original idea. It just so happens it fucks God up as well. Sorry about that. It's really quite simple and search as I might, no-one's seemed to work this out.

There is a famous story about one Robert Johnson, a Blues guitarist from the 30s (Did I get that right? who gives a shit?) Anyway as the story goes, Robert Johnson Sold his soul to the devil at a cross roads in return for fame, fortune and the ability to play the GeeTar Real good.

Mean while, for years now the Devil has been trying to fuck my life up so that I'd want to get revenge at all costs. Though I have definitely want revenge, and I WILL have it if I haven't already, I have declined his offer to trade my soul in exchange for the brief satisfaction it would bring me to fuck the lives of those who've ever fucked with me.

So far the Devil has sent me:

* Physical and psychological torture at school resulting in a life time of clinical depression and other wonderful manifestations.

* Leading me always to the brink of breakthroughs in my quest to be "A big Rock and Roll Star" as Marilyn Manson put it. Only to build me up and cause disappointment which results in months of deep depression.

* An unshakeable love of music but cutting off all avenues of getting it out there. (I think both he and God conspired on this one.)

* Giving me the need to love but making sure I either have no chance of finding it or if I do, being kicked in the teeth for even caring.

* Giving me ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and Dyslexia at birth so that I'd spend all my life thinking I was a bad person even though I knew I wasn't. And getting pushed around and abused for it. With no chance of any sympathy let alone any understanding. Then discovering what the story was but only after it's too late to do anything about it.

* Shattering all my dreams, hopes and aspirations.

* Giving me teachers at school, who's idea of treating dyslexia, after I was diagnosed, (and not ADD at the time.) was to try and bash it out of me even harder.

* Through this mechanism, causing me to fuck up at times when I either knew I was right and were, or suddenly say the wrong thing when I was trying to say something else even though I knew what I had to say. Causing me much stress and/or embarrassment and leaving me with no clue as to how to deal with it.

* Causing me to have a Motorcycle accident which resulted in a damaged ankle and neck. The latter of which causes often debilitating pain to begin with. AND...

* Giving me a tumor in my neck that required 7 operations, a year of hospitalization, the most horrific medical nightmares, (only they were real) Resulting in massive nerve damage and other physiological damage and consequences that means I'm in pain most of the the time.

* Taking away my voice so I can barely speak at all let alone sing.

* Sending the Police in to persecute me for a year because I opposed internet censorship and had the audacity to refer to the senator who forced it through, as a religious nutter. An act which while completely devastating me ironically resulted in demotions for the police officers involved and costing the tax payer an estimated 30 grand. And ending up with no result. Hey guys, did you really expect to find my 80 year old mother selling drugs to kids at the bus stop? Here's a hint guys. There is no bus stop.

* Finally after causing all this shit, offering me a deal to sell my soul in order to exact revenge. Allowing me to know who the perps were and what they'd done to me to cause all this suffering.

Now wait just a cock suckin' minute! The devil did this to me so he could force me to want to sell him my soul to exact revenge on people who he'd directed to cause the problems in the first place. Sorry Pal, Your logic may work on Joe Dickwad in the street who couldn't think their way out of a paper bag but the one good thing about ADD is that we're far more creative thinkers than that. We may not be able to recite the alphabet backwards to save ourselves but we generally have a higher IQ than your average Devil.

It's not the people I want revenge on. It's the Devil. And maybe God as well for letting it happen. For not allowing me to be the person I should have been. For allowing me to load up with all this fear and loathing with no vent for release.

And I now have that revenge on both of you.

God can only exist if people have faith and faith alone. For a person to have faith one can never be allowed proof of God's existence. To have proof of God's existence means he can no longer exist. Or no-longer have any control over your life. Giving you the god-like control of your own destiny. But otherwise, as they say, "To know is to die." IE: you'll know God exists for sure when you die and go to heaven or hell.

The Devil is a fallen angel apparently. Cast down from heaven. For the Devil to exist then God has to exist. And here's the good bit. The bit no-one seems to have figured out to my knowledge. If the Devil comes along at your personal cross roads and offers you all you can eat in exchange for your soul, it means that God exists. The Devil has tipped his hand and given you proof of God's existence. Therefore both God and the Devil are suddenly non-existent because you know. The moment the Devil makes an offer and you realize this, you instantly murder them both.

Or at the very least make them completely impotent. Incapable of harming you in anyway. The devil offers you what you want in the physical world in exchange for your soul. But there's the devil standing before you which means that God exists. First up then, you can tell the devil to piss off and leave you alone because now that you know God exists, he can take a hike. "I'm with God." But because you now have proof that God exists, therefore he can't. And thus, neither can the devil.

The Devil has to get off your back or risk his own non-existence.
Neither of them can ever come near you and fuck up your life again because you possess the key to destroy both of them. In fact you have the key to make them dance to your tune for a change.

If the devil already has approached you then he'll probably have to sell you his own soul to survive. Which gives you a hell of a lot of power. All of which Christians and other religious maniacs of all faiths should be extremely concerned about. And Bow down before me or I'll send 'em all to hell.

The only problem with knowing I'm not personally going to hell is that I won't get to see the likes of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson burn there. (But I can install cameras and watch them burn on TV) Which brings me to another little set of semantics.

Hell is supposed to be pain without relief. Hey I've already got that here so obviously the Christians have got this all ass up. Hell is on Earth. And since I would derive much pleasure from seeing Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Fred Nile, The entire Catholic church and every other priest child rapist, burn in hell, how can Hell be a bad place?

What I've proved here is that God and the devil, and all religion, is nothing more than semantics. You are all your own gods and your own devils. Get over it. You've made your world now lie in it.

If you want peace then just stop the fuck fighting. As I use to say to bullies who wanted to bash my head in after school. "No problems, I'll be there. But If I'm late, start without me."

NOTE: If you failed to grasp the points above, then tough luck. If it hit home, then you've probably just ascended one notch. In which case contact me and I'll give you a gate pass to my heaven should you want it.